Wednesday, June 29, 2005


I'm laying in my bed facing up, looking at the whirling fan...listening to Robbie Williams singing in my ears... "not sure I understand. this role I've been given...I sit and talk to God, and He just laughs at my head speaks a language, I don't understand..." its almost hypnotic. I feel one with it.

The room is dark with the lights off and curtains drawn. Perfect. I realise if I lay like this, I feel my insides going numb. I don't feel anything. My eyes are open wide but I'm just staring into space. The only thing I hear, besides the song, is the sound of my breathing. Feel like I'm under a spell, a spell of peace. Numerous thoughts are running in my mind, as if in a frenzy. but a strange calm has fallen over if time has stopped and the world has come to a standstill.

I almost feel crucified by an invisible force, but there's no pain, no tears. Everything around me is frozen...

I want to get up and go out, but just cant move. My body refuses to respond to anything...feel paralysed.

And slowly, I drift away...

Monday, June 27, 2005

Words of Wisdom!

Funny expression of life!!

Sunday, June 26, 2005


Every morning when i read the papers i esp look fwd to the astrology section in the supplements. It hardly ever turns out to b true but i like reading it anyway.

They said yellow is my LUCKY colour for today. i personally hate yellow...but decided to smell a yellow flower anyway. Flowers are always nice...or so i thought until i got stung by a wasp; ironically that too was yellow.
The sun's yellow...and at this moment its shining real bright...restricting me from going out anywhere. no luck there...
My niece smothered yellow paint over my arm just after i'd had my bath.
Ok i guess u got the point...
The daily horoscope that comes in my mail is asking me if i "tend to be self-effacing"...what the...??
They said my lucky months this year would be January and May...i had my exams during these months.
They said my romantic months would be February and June. I was on a train on 14th Feb. And June is almost over but no romance yet...!

The thing is when i know that nothin the astrolgers say is ever gonna b true why am i always intrigued by them??!! Could b curiosity, or mayb i just like to knw what'll happen next...or mayb its just plain stupidity!!

Its time for lunch...guess wht i'm having. yellow dal!! ugh!

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Its over...

I'm sitting by the window
staring at the horizon,
wondering to myself
if this life has a reason

Meandering down dark streets,
no one by my side
I look up at the starry sky,
searching for that light

Would it really make a difference, i muse
if I wasnt there...
maybe they'll shed a tear or two,
and send up a prayer

But everything will be
just the way it was
and one of them missing
with not much loss

I caress it with my fingers
Feels cold, hard and beautiful
I pick it up and load it,
and put it to my skull

Close my eyes, a tear rolls down
Pull the trigger...

...and its over.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Money matters

I'm broke. I'm kinda ashamed to admit it, but i still survive on the pocket money...that my dad supplies me with at the beginning of every month. The first 15 days are blissful...loads of shopping, partying, movies and freaking out! I'm a spendthrift, to the core. But only for the 1st 15 days of the month. Its towards the end of the 'honeymoon stage' that i realise i have slightly more than 135 bucks left to last me for the rest of the month. That's when i undergo a personality change. From being a bindaas shop-a-holic to being a 'kanjoos kadki'! I try and save up as much as possible...try and use the bus to get to and back from college (the 5 rupee coins for the bus fare i 'borrow' from dad's change-box!), not splurging on the canteen food, absolutely no shopping, being home on time. My folks are the happiest then...ironically me being just the opposite. Everytime i promise myself..."nah next month se i'll save" but cant deny myself the temptation of encashing my desires! Sigh! I wonder if i'll have any savings in matters are beyond me! :[

Sunday, June 12, 2005

At Last!!!

Finally!! After 1 month and 13 days of screaming, cribbing and wailing my eyes out in front of my family, i have finally succeeded in convincing them to send me for a few days. I have tried every known trick in the book to try and make them see sense!
I've tried studying (even if it was fake), or being 'responsible' at times (like cleaning up my room, or making tea for everyone), wearing sensible clothes (my dad prefers seeing me in suits rather than shorts so thts a good way to 'patao' him!!), and god knows wht other stuff!
I had reached the end of the line when yesterday i got the good news. "You're going to shimla..." I could hardly believe my ears! At last I'm goin out of &*%$ delhi! So what if its shimla and so wht if i've been there almost all my life and almost every year, and so what if i'll b under nani's constant least its not delhi, and its gonna b cool n nice. A break i really need coz i've had it up to here with dilli ki garmi n dilli ke log!
I was still sceptical about the whole thing n was hoping dad won't go back on his words. But now there's nothin to worry! Coz now i have the tickets! Yay! I'll be off tuesday morning :)) and back on sat :( Short, but beggars cant be choosers!
I'm outta here!

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

What if...

A really strange thing happened today.
I began my day with the usual lazy-bones attitude...not a care in the world, sleeping away to glory. was very rudely dsiturbed around 12 in the afternoon with the phone ringing in my ear. Groaning i saw it was an unfamiliar number. I debated whether i should answer it or not. but since i'd already been snapped out of my slumber i thought ok i'll answer it. it was 'devdas' a friend of my friend's (milo). "hey megz pack ur bags, we're leaving for mussourie today afternoon". I looked at my phone and blinked. "Hello"?? " fast we'll miss the train!!". i couldnt think. i thought it was an extension of the dream that i was having a few minutes ago. after a whole minute, i asked, "uh is milo around? can i speak to her"? on hearing a familiar tone of voice i realised i wasnt dreaming. "whts goin on" is all i cud say. but she was just as clueless. i said, "i dunno...i gotta convince mom n dad". devdas snatched the ph and said, "i'll speak to them...jes start packing".
for the next half an hour devdas n milo coaxed mom to send me with them. in the end she agreed "but only if her father allows". great. that's like asking a mountain to move. i was keeping my fingers crossed. with shaking hands i dialled dad's number...only to get the busy tone. somehow i told mom to deal with it. meanwhile milo n devdas kept calling on the other ph every 2 mins. they sounded so excited! listening to their plans got me all excited too. we strtd deciding wht clothes we'll carry, and wht places we'll go see...basically day dreaming. then mom came n said dad was really busy at work...and the 2 mins he spared to talk to her basically consisted of the words, "no", "never" and "nothing doing". i could hear the sound of glass breaking in my ear.
I called milo with a heavy heart and told her to go ahead without me. hearing this, milo's mom came into the picture...but nt on a very positive note. " if megz parents arnt sending her, you're not going anywhere either."
devdas has gone on his own. i and milo maintained 2 minute silence for our lost dreams. and here we are, still stuck in the simmering summer of delhi...still wondering, what if....

Sunday, June 05, 2005

My life...or is it?

Our brains never stop thinking. Something or the other keeps running in our minds. even if we're sittin idle, our mind's racing all the more. most of wht i think is crap, though! nowdays since i'm free from my exams my mind's working overtime...pumping out all sorts of ideas. its better to let it run...

I find myself thinking about my life, (how selfish no?!)... about wht is going on... and wht am i doing with it. i haven't really thought about it u know... whts it gonna b like after college...wht shape will my career take...where am i going to go...

can't believe my last yr of college has almost begun. it seems so soon! i jes strtd enjoying..n now i'll hv to get serious agen! there's so much to do...n so little time! jes dont knw whr to strt.

in my family everyone's goin their own way...they've chosen their paths...i feel so out of place. the only one with nothing to do...a burden.

my friends are all so smart and confident...they know exactly wht they want from their lives and how theyre gonna get it...why am i so clueless?!

My whole life is a question...the purpose of my existence is a question. and i dont knw where to find the answer...

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Tagging along

wo..didnt think i'll be tagged someday! i wish i wasn' it happened too soon.
well, i have nothin better to do anyway...

1.Films I own:
Um i don't own any as such...only watch the ones my brother does..apparently he has good taste. so if i count them theyre about 40 i guess! i didnt count tho..there cud b more

.2.Last film I bought:
i usually prefer seeing them at the theatre coz they take up unnecessary space! so technically the last one i bought was two weeks' notice.

3. Films that I watch a lot or mean something to me:
ok this is tuf. Films dont really mean much..jes a good way of tuining ur eyesight! but let's see:
Hitch- coz thts one movie tht was genuinely funny
Ice Age- its abt me n my frnds...nika is the weasel, milo is the mammoth and i'm the sabretooth! grr!!
Spirit- ah freedom!
Phir Milenge- awesome film..really true to life
Black- brilliant movie

Find five to tag people I must. Extra one for luck.
five people...i hardly know any blogger!! no luck huh?!
um ok TripleSix, the Monk, desperado..damn i don't know any1 else!

sorry guys..i knw this is agony...but if i can get thru can u!

World Wide Weirdos

The web's a cool place...the world at your tips! so much stuff to do...and learn. And of course a very important element of the net is chatting. You meet all kinds of people from all walks of life. n sometimes its interesting to share their experience. Some of them are students, even teachers, professionals, businessmen, sometimes really funny ppl! once a guy told me, "sorry i cant talk to u, ur astrological sign isnt compatible with mine...!!"

And then there are the weirdos.

By weirdos i mean ppl who have nothing else to do except think about sex and all the things related to it...the perverts.
The most FAQs asked by these weirdos on the very first day of chatting include:
Are u a virgin?
what are ur stats?
Do u cyber?
whts ur ph no.?
and the funniest was, "plz give me ur ph no..i promise i wont call."
wht else wud u do...engrave it on the wall?!

There are many of them strewn across the web...if only u cud guess from their id's!
here's a conv b/w me n one of the weirdos, um let's call him Jackass:

Jackass: hey
me: hello
Jackass: asl?
me: 19/f
Jackass: cool
me (thinkin to myself): whts so cool in that?
Jackass: so u got a bf?
me: nope
Jackass: oh..hey r u a virgin?
me: how is that your concern?
Jackass: jus askin baby!
me (agen thinkin to myself): baby??!
Jackass: hey wanna cyber?

window closed. block this person.

tht is just one of the many jackasses that click on ur name with a ray of hope...

there's also this strange kinda unwritten norm on the net tht i always thought was rather strange...tht girls can only chat with guys, and guys can only chat with girls. I jes came to knw how imp it is to stick to this rule.

while i was happily surfing, a window jumped open. this was the conversation that followed b/w me and lets say...Freaky:

Freaky: hi there
me: yea?
Freaky: wanna chat?
me: um, ok
Freaky: i'm "*****", from Delhi. whr r u from?
me: delhi
Freaky: m/f?
me (thinkin "u cud guess tht from my id u ass!"): f
Freaky: great, me too!!!
me (thinkin wht a coincidence)
Freaky: so u goin around wid some1?
me (why do they always hav to ask this?!): nope
Freaky: ok..will u go around wid me?

i had to log off after this. now i have no girl (thank god) on my messenger list. and i'm seriously contemplating whether i shud talk to guys fact i'm thinking i'll give chatting a break...the weirdo world can do without me.