Thursday, May 26, 2005
drab day today. very depressing. still try n put up a cheerful face. don't knw how to vent my feelings. feelin hopeless...this seems to be the only way. had an exam today...sleepily went and gave it. met my friends...sure i laughed with them but it was hollow...not from the heart. came back home n found my niece merrily fiddling with my stuff...screamed at her. one way to get my frustration out i thought...but feelin worse. then unwanted guests descended on me. tried to b invisible but courtesy made me do otherwise. then mom told me my brother cried today. my 32 year old married big bro cried like a baby in my nani's arms. tht ws it. jes cant take it anymore. all this pain, this sadness that surrounds me. cant even cry...dont want ppl comin up n givin me a reassuring hug sayin everything will be fine...coz i knw it isnt. i wanna scream...scream at my dad for being so shallow and vain, shout at my bro for givin in to his grief, shout at my bhabhi for not showing what she's really feeling, shout at my niece for not understanding...but jes cant. cant share this with anyone...coz nobody wud understand. they'll all get me wrong. n it'll make everything worse. so i'll just remain silent...n invisible. something i've excelled in with time. god plz...plz make evrything alright.