Monday, December 05, 2005

The story tag

Well since this was a somewhat unusual tag, I decided its worth a shot. I was sposed to write a story beginning with ""She ran her hands over his face, his hair, tears streaming down her face all the while..." This is my first attempt at writing any kind of story...so feel free to barf!

So here goes nothing...

She ran her hands over his face, his hair, tears streaming down her face all the while...

"Mommy why are you crying" he asked, in a voice that was almost a whisper, and that made her cry even more.

Her thoughts went back to the time when he was born. A normal 3 pound chubby baby boy, he was all she had wanted all her life. At first she didn’t know how she would cope as a single mother, but when the doctor told her she was going to have a son, she couldn’t help dreaming aloud. Maybe he was all she needed to fill the void in her life. He was all hers. She decided to call him Aditya, because he was like the sun that lit her dark and empty world.

It amazed her to see how quickly Adi grew. He seemed to be in a hurry to discover the world around him. His eyes were always wide open, as if he was in awe of his surroundings. And he insisted on putting apart every toy she got for him, longing to know what lay beneath.

When Aditya started school, at first he was disturbed by the change in his surroundings. He wanted Mommy by his side, and her absence annoyed him. But soon he began to take an interest in the little people around him. He was happy to be able to communicate eye- to- eye instead of always looking up. It was only a matter of days when he became popular with his teachers and classmates. His witty answers and chatty nature made him the favorite kid in school. He developed a likeness for all sports, swimming being his passion. She was proud of him. When he won the trophy for being the best swimmer in his age group, there were tears in her eyes. They were happy together, in their own little world.

Then the world came crashing.

One sunny afternoon while playing with his friends, he suddenly fainted. She rushed him to the hospital. They told her they’d have to run some tests. Meanwhile Adi was admitted. “What is wrong with my son? Why can’t he go home?”, she demanded.
“Ma’am, please be patient. The test results would be out soon.” She had this nagging feeling that something was wrong. Very wrong.
The doctor diagnosed Adi with leukemia. As he broke the news to her, she could feel her knees going weak.
“How do I get rid of it?”, she asked bluntly.
“Well, leukemia is treated by combination chemotherapy and sometimes radiation, but…”
“But what?” The doctor looked her in the eye and said, “The five year survival rate for children diagnosed with leukemia and subsequently treated is approximately 70%.”
She slumped into a chair. She could feel herself trembling. Thoughts ran to and fro in her head. They’d given her son less than 5 years to live. It was so unfair. How could this be true? Maybe the doctor was wrong. Adi wasn’t going to die. He can’t. He had so much to do…he couldn’t leave his work unfinished, it would bother him. “No!”, she screamed startling herself as well as the doctor. Then she buried her face in her hands and wept softly.

She went to see him in his room. He was propped against a pillow, reading his favorite bedtime storybook. His eyes lit up, when he saw her. “Mommy!” She tried and composed herself. “Hey ace!”
She took his hand and kissed it. He threw his arms around her and said, “I’ve missed you! Can we go home now?”
She looked at him. He was so young, so small. Her eyes welled up at his questioning looks. Darkness was looming above, so close…and the sun was setting on her life.

30 comments:

cherubic_chipmunk said...

hmm,leaving de story 2 the reader's imagination,eh?...nice 1 but i've got some queries(jus for de heck of it)...first y does she cry in the beginning,r v to assume that this happens aftr the guy's bin diagnosed wid the ailment?sory if i'm being obtuse but u've'nt mentioned it at de end...secondly,the tag's quite unusual,yes-n i gotta agree that was really gud of u not to hav interpreted dis in a romantic way n ruining it all-but the story aint,i've seen it in many hindi movies.so y did u choose dis theme?...n thirdly the spelling u've put down for the ailment is american(u may say wateva,but wud u agree if i say futbol) and the rest of the article is in the brit version-so y de discrepancy?i thought u said u likd uniformity...

P.S.-hey all said n done,this is my first attempt to criticise your article n i kno it was dismal but i had to make a start somewhere and thats y i did-so kindly forgive me if u found readin this a sheer waste of time...

Koi Pahailee said...

good attempt

enjoyed reading it

the Monk said...

very nice...and I agree with Arvind, good thing u didn't turn it into a love story...

desperado said...

gud to see u did the tag
nicely woven..
n ya not given it romantic touch made it all the more refreshing...though i have nothin against nice romantic stories ;)

Naresh said...

whew! nice writer u r!!!

milo said...

so.. miss writer... ur journey begins..:-)

Mirage said...

@arvind: Whew! Finally a critique!
Ohk to answer all ur queries:
1) yes she's crying after she found out tht her son's gonna die...i've taken it into flashbackand then got it bak to the present. I thought it was clear but i guess i was wrong!

2)Like you said, I wanted to take it away from romance and give it a diff angle, thts why i chose this theme.

3)As for the spelling, well i was writing this on Word and since it uses american english, i didnt bother to change the spelling. No discrepancy there! :)

Well i hope I've recieved your 'criticism' in a good way and somewhat managed to clear ur doubts! Thnx neway man! Oh n keep it going! take care

Mr. Maverick said...

Let me know when your book gets published ;-). Hope i will get a good discount on it as I know the author!

Mirage said...

@koi paheli: thnx buddy, tho i'd like to read ur blog sometime too...

@varun: thnx! n yea i thought its better to take on somethin diff dis time...

@dhruv: hehe i knw, neither do i! but a change is always better isnt it!?

@naresh: Thnku so much...tho i knw i still have a LONG way to go!!

@milo: lets hope...! :)

Mirage said...

@arun: haha!! too bad u wont be able to boast abt it tho... coz it isnt gonna be any good man!!

zxcv said...

kewl,
what more can i say??
sahi main mast likha hai...

Deepak Verma said...

are you sure about leukemia and readiation therapy....facts aside

overall good ...but dont you think it is easy to touch hearts with such pieces...
Got a good hand , try something else ..just a advise ..btw you are a better 'Poet' ...

Arz000n said...

Very nice piece of work lady!!

Think you shuold start writing stories like this from now onwards...if you need motivation, lemme know, I'll keep on tagging you :)

Mirage said...

@zxcv: Thnx yaar!

@deepak: yea i knw all dats true coz i consulted a website on leukemia...bt thnx for commenting

@z000nie: nahii no more tags!! u can motivate me wid ur words of appreciation like u did!! :)

Anonymous said...

this is ANUJ here ::::

nice story. Bahut bhadiya :D . And i m lookin forward to a follow up story ;) .... do comeup with it sometime

Nenlos said...

Dunno why my comment dint get posted. neway, got to ur blog thru cherubic chipmunk's.
Bless u for not turning this into a romantic mush. but u cudda tried a funny anticlimax.

~anu~ said...

Hey! this is the first time I am commention on someone's blog... but the story made me feel so overwhelmed!

I loved it!

~anu~ said...

Oops! Spelling error...

* commenting

Jayant said...

A very nice story indeed and equally sad. I don't even know what to say. It just reminds me of the fact that every year thousands of kids in India itself do fall prey to leukemia and thousands of mothers are left wondering why it had to be their children. It's just so sad.
This is a beautiful tribute to these families.

dwaipayan said...

very touchy. i like it but probably u could extend its end a bit. anyway, carry on.

Nenlos said...

Why is everybody spelling 'leukaemia' as 'leukemia'? aren't we supposed to be following Brit english? oh i see chipmunk has already commented on that...

Rohit Talwar said...

a very good attempt for a first timer! cheers!

Mirage said...

@anuj: arre this only took so much time...sequel ke liye i dnt hv the energy to do that!

@nenlos: yea well wasnt feelin so funny...the mood reflected in the story! hey thnx fr visiting

@anu: thnx! hey whts ur url btw?

@jay: yea...cant imagine the pain they go thru...fr no fault of their own.

@dwaipayan: i kinda wanted to gv it an abrubt ending...

@rohit: thnx buddy!

manuscrypts said...

hmmm... balaji productions as opposed to ram gopal varma :)

Shy said...

Lovely story and its nice the way u have left it 2 the rdrs imagination !

Jithu said...

hmm.. fate sometimes is so awful.. nice story there!

Kroopa Shah (Kr00pz) said...

That is the most touching thing I've heard in the longest while.....

Mirage said...

@manuscrypts: :D

@shy: thnx girl!

@jithu: fate has its own weird ways...

@kroopa: yea well...these kinda stories always touch hearts. :)

Koi Pahailee said...

its been a while now
pu up something new

something happy this time...:)
too busy huh!???

Leon said...

Touching.. :-(

Nice attempt..

I wish the tag had started off with "She ran her hands over his face, his hair, a look of pure bliss on her face.." :D