Changing Lanes

My thoughts have a new address:

devilleangel.blogspot.com

See you there!

Mood of the day!

Delusional

Sweet lies, paradise

You showed me

A new disguise

Every time I held your hand

I thought you loved

I thought you cared

And then you left

Me in despair

The child in me

She trusted you

My dreams you broke

Lit up in smoke

I was Me with You

Bare, naked, alive

You shut the door

I can’t survive

This loneliness

That surrounds me now

Pulled back inside

To the hollow life

You’d found me in

I lived with you

I died with you

The Toughest Job in the World

I have the toughest job in the world, and I can't even crib about it. Its called being a mom. It is that stage in my life when I don't know if I ever existed as another human being. I feel like I am this feeding, loving, puke-cleaning, poop-coaxing, sleep deprived cyborg that was born to be forever available to my increasingly demanding, commanding two year old daughter. And if this wasn't enough, I am also the entertainer/ clown/ doctor/ caregiver/ dietitian/ cleaning lady/ driver with a perpetual frumpy, grumpy demeanor due to being pushed over the edge.




I want my MOMMY!!! :((

My thoughts, exactly....

Beginning of the End

I just love watching the leaves fall off of trees. Its so peaceful.

The tree, happily dancing to the wind's tunes is shedding away its past to make room for the future.

And the leaves, in silent acceptance of their fate, quietly fall to the ground to embrace the end of a fulfilled journey. Simply beautiful!

Limitless

The head and the heart

Oh why are they apart?

My heart wants, my mind taunts

My soul remains undone

My eyes are open

My heart is alive

So why does it feel

Like a dream, unreal?

I can see, what is unseen

I can hear the voice that beckons

I can feel, what is forbidden

I long to touch, what is verboten

A storm of emotions

Explodes in my being

Dancing with the whirlwind,

I'm letting go

I can fly with no wings

I can swim with no fins

Delve deep inside

Eager to find...

A whole new me

A Wilting Flower

Wow, two years! And this place is still alive - well, somewhat. I never thought I'd return to this space, but right now, it feels like the only place for refuge. A safe haven, away from all the chaos and conundrums of life. It has been a while since I stole a few quiet moments to myself. I am supposed to use this time to finish pending work, but somehow, work's far from my mind at this point.

Sometimes, I visit my blog and read and reread my earlier posts, and the comments on them. It seems like another life, really. My thoughts, my aspirations, even my outlook towards everything has changed tremendously. Its just not about me anymore. Its almost as if I'm so lost in the everyday chores, that nothing excites me anymore. If something new or different does come up, it irks me even more, because my 'schedule' gets disrupted. It's like I'm watching the days go by, doing the same thing every day. I don't even realize when the week came to end or how the weekend flew by. I always have a to-do list to cross off. I don't know when I wrote last...I used to love writing poems but if I look inside for inspiration now, all I see is a blank.

What happened to me? I was always the carefree one, always the one living in a dream. It's not like I hate my life, oh no, I have so much to be thankful for. But it feels like something's died inside. It feels empty. I'm living without a purpose, do you know how terrifying that sounds? I need to be inspired, to dream again...to find a new passion, to look forward to each day. I do hope getting back to the blog is a start somehow.

A poem by William Shakespeare is befitting:

The Life Without Passion

They that have power to hurt, and will do none,              

That do not do the thing they most do show,     

Who, moving others, are themselves as stone, 

Unmovèd, cold, and to temptation slow,         

 

They rightly do inherit heaven's graces,          

And husband nature's riches from expense;      

They are the lords and owners of their faces,    

Others, but stewards of their excellence.            

 

The summer's flower is to the summer sweet,  

Though to itself it only live and die;            

But if that flower with base infection meet,        

The basest weed outbraves his dignity:

 

For sweetest things turn sourest by their deeds;             

Lilies that fester smell far worse than weeds.

Mermaid

A sea of change

Has drowned my being

Washed ashore

A different scene

I’ve learnt to surf

The waves of time

Follow the current

Emerge sublime

I’ve found love

And it has found me

Joy is growing

Inside of me

The sea is set

To alter its course

I’m ready to ride

To far off shores

I pray to God

To guide me through

These open waters

And winds anew…

I Long for Yesterday....

One of my favorites! Straight from the heart!

The Year of Reunions

Living up the good old days is always a great idea! This is why I loved it when my BFF suggested to plan a reunion lunch with our graduation classmates - just the Journalism batch girls. Thanks to Facebook, we got in touch with most of our batch mates and were glad to see the responses pouring in. It was just a matter of a few days till we finalized the date and place. Finally when we met up we hugged each other like crazy, typical girls gone berserk! It was amazing to see how much we'd changed and where we'd ended up. Most of us were married, one was expecting - she looked gorgeous btw - and the others were full on career women! It was so great to catch up and talk of the silly things we did in college, updates on professors and stuff. It was hard to believe we were all meeting after 6 years. We could have spent the entire day chit chatting!

This reunion was such a success that I couldn't help but plan out one for my post grad classmates - this time in Mumbai. Got in touch with my batch coordinator at the time and have already started the initial planning. I'm thinking an overnight stay at a beach resort would be superb, provided we're able to book in time. I guess everyone loves the idea of reliving the good times so here also the reactions are crazy! Looking forward to this one now, I'm pretty sure it'll be grand!

ReMiNiScEnCe

At times, I find myself pondering over days gone by, good times, even bad. God, how much has life changed. I feel ancient! There's a ticking bomb on my head and it feels like there's so much to do, so much I wanted to do with my life, but I keep getting weighed down by, nothing, it seems! Just chores, that never seem to end. Anyway, there are some things that remind me of the life I once had - thought I'd just pen them down:

1) Waiting for the school bus on a foggy, winter morning. Used to walk to the bus stop with Mom, dog in tow.

2) Bunking class.

3) Scribbling my crush's name in the girl's loo.

4) Fell out with my best friend in 8th grade. Found her on Facebook after 12 years.

5) English class.

6) My first computer - Compaq desktop, black. I used to love that bulky old thing.

7) Mom Dad and 3 of us sleeping in one bedroom that had the AC.

8) My brother getting married - to our neighbor. 1st marriage in the family.

9) 1st day of college.

10) Hanging out at Barista with my girl gang.

11) Rikshaw rides.

12) The Metro comes to Delhi!

13) Listening to Backstreet Boys.

14) College trip to Goa. Made friends with cute boys on the train, sneaked alcohol into our hotel room, got drunk on port wine!

15) Farewell party. Vowed never to let go of my friends. Never did :)

16) Off to Mumbai. Was a wreck till I got there!

17) Falling in love.

18) 1st kiss.

19) Having maggi at 3 am

20) 1st job. Hated it.

21) Learning to drive. Still suck at it.

22) Breaking up.

23) Rebound trip to Manali - Mom n me.

24) Getting married. Cried like a baby.

Gosh it could go on. More memories than I can handle. Need a breather. I SO hate days like these!

Confessions of a Shopaholic

I can totally relate to the film (see: title). Okay maybe my life isn't as dramatic as the protagonist and I don't get chased by credit card companies to pay my bills - but still, I revel in the charisma of shopping - especially if its online.

My work demands me to stay online a lot, and since I work from home, I don't usually take time out to shop on weekdays. Weekends mostly go by visiting friends and family, so technically its not my fault that I'm pushed to the most convenient way of getting what I want!

It first started innocently enough when I was introduced to this new website - more like web store - that offers branded stuff at really discounted prices. Worth a shot, eh?! Innocence soon went down the drain as temptation took over mind, body and soul! From shoes to jewelry, clothes to watches, even decoration pieces for home - it was all there for the taking, and I went on a rampage!

I tried not to notice when the credit card bills came knocking, or how they jumped from a measly 2000 bucks to 5000, then to 7k and recently - 10 grand. The last one was a shocker! "But they're on SALE, its worth it, its a damn good deal", I keep telling myself. The more I try to hold back, the more I'm sucked in. My bank balance is diminishing, my husband has no idea about my obsession and I am still not satisfied with what I buy!

So how do I make myself guilt-free? I refer the website to my friends. Why keep them away from such a steal, right? *evil grin*

Missing my buddy :(

Well, where should I start? Just had an irresistible urge to blog. Feeling a li'l whimsical. After my 15 day long vacation to Thailand in October (which was just awesome, btw, but I'll save that for another time), I returned to Delhi and got busy playing bridesmaid. My best friend got married last week and I just can't explain the rush of emotions going through me. Initially it was just total chaos, helping her shop, preparing dance sequences for the function, coordinating with our other friends and getting my own stuff in order as well.

We were all so excited, but on the day of her wedding, when I saw her as a beautiful bride, it struck me. This is it, I thought. No more late night calls, no more just dropping in at her place, no more night-stays, no more day long shopping excursions. That's when I realized how she must have felt when I got married. Ever since then, which makes it about a week, I haven't spoken to her, when we used to talk almost every day. And now she's off for her honeymoon, so another week goes. I guess I'm just suddenly missing her so much - my confidante, my aide, my buddy, my partner-in-crime... call her what you may, but she is something special.

I remember, in college we used to have these long sessions of girly talk on so many of our pyjama parties. The five of us, just chatting away. And we used to say we will definitely go for a love marriage, but only she took it really seriously. She always she knew she wanted love and wouldn't settle for a stranger as a husband. I was the first to break the 'pact' and go in for an arranged one. But she, she found the love of her life. And I felt so immensely happy when her dream materialized. She did it, she married the man she loved! And he is really wonderful, with a loving family who accepted her with open arms. I know she is going to be very happy and I feel so proud of her!

I don't know how it will go from here. We're all going in different directions, wherever life takes us. I don't know if we'll be able to be together, but I will be there for her and all my friends! Things change so fast, but I hope some things stay the same! :) Cheers to friendship!

The Hills are the Place to Be!

I'm back! Actually I was back long before, just didn't get time to blog about it. Had the best 3 days ever! Had a blast on the mini train from Kalka to Summer Hill, with a drizzle now and then, and a beautiful view of the valleys on our way up. Had to request the engine driver to stop at Summer Hill, coz the train doesn't usually stop in between Kalka and Shimla. It was so cute!

The camp people got us picked from Summer Hill and after a 20 minute bumpy ride over the mountain, we were there! It was right in the middle of a forest,

with trails leading to the camping site from

the reception. Potter's Hill is quite cool, though there were hardly any adventurous activities coz of the rain. But man, what a place! They welcomed us with hot 'chai' in earthern cups. Loved the whole 'living in a tent' experience. You had to trek for 20 mins to reach the reception and get something to eat - no room service here! It took our breath away, we lazy city dwellers! It was fun to bathe with ice cold water early in the morning - a rude awakening but kept us active throughout the day! :P

We spent the day trekking around the place most of the time, and towards the evening sat outside on the rustic wooden furniture, with vodka, hot pakoras and clouds for company. It was surreal. A wonderful way to revive the romance, I must say!

We spent just one night as opposed to two at Potters' Hill, as we'd pretty much explored the place by then. We decided to take the bus to Shimla to pay my

grandparents a visit. My husband just LOVES that place. Somehow, he likes the chatter on the Mall road and the Ridge. He becomes this little child, going into every shop and buying some nonsense, just to get the feel! Besides, who would want to stay indoors with weather like that! Next day I took him to visit the Vice Regal Lodge, which was a 5 km walk from the Mall. Its a beautiful place, takes me back to the British era with its typical architecture and wooden interior. There's a small open air cafe there, where we sat n enjoyed the beauty that surrounded us and gorged on Maggi and chai.

I felt my heart sinking when it was time to go. I was dreading the sultry Delhi weather and getting back into routine. I really wish I could be on a perpetual vacation, just hopping from one place to another. A farfetched dream, but a dream nonetheless. And in my experience, dreams do tend to come true!

Weekend getaway

I'm completing two years of marriage this Sunday (still can't believe it!) and so have planned on a little weekend getaway with hubby. Really really itching to get out of Delhi and escape the drab, humid weather...ugh! We're going to Camp Potters' Hill in Himachal, just a few miles before Shimla. Looks interesting with its Swiss tents, tree houses, nature walks and bonfires, all in the lap of nature. Two nights and three days of pure bliss!

Will update when I'm back!

Timeless

Life rushes by

In a blink of an eye

The clock won't stop

And neither will I

No matter the ache

Or people who fake

Promises and smiles

I will not break

Fury and fire

May burn my spire

My body may burn

My soul won't tire

For I am the light

So pure and white

Beyond mortality

Flaring the night

And as times fly

or days go by

My dreams will live

and hope won't die

Frustration Personified

The damn internet connection refuses to work, making me completely paralyzed and bringing all my work to a standstill. Which finally leaves me no choice but to return to blogging. Serves me right, I guess, for ignoring it for so long.

At my folks' place presently, trying to get some respite from the no-net frustration at home. Anyway, forget it, it's too nerve wracking!

Delhi's scorching these days with no sign of improvement. Feel like taking a vacation but that's not possible till July, for hubby. Been a while since I met my friends too. Life's never been so dull for me, I swear! The past feels like a dream, when we all were together, almost all the time. And now, we're all running in separate directions, chasing things, people...chasing time. Of course, we miss our older selves, but somehow time's too much of a constraint to catch up now. God, that is just so sad, ain't it? Funny how we dance to the tunes of life.

My mind feels numb... I need a change bigtime, before I go nuts.

Any ideas?

The Magic of Classics

Finally! Some time away from the mundane life that I have! These days I'm being introduced to the word 'stress' in a big way. It's physical torture to sit in one place and stare at the computer! But there's something that works as a great stress buster for me and gives immediate relaxation: music! I'm waking up to the charm of old Hindi songs recently. I'm truly amazed at their simplicity.

Listening to these songs is such a beautiful reminder of a world that once was. The intricate way they describe emotions... feels so fragile and so pure. There are a hundred ways of saying the same things - love with shokhiyon me ghola jaye, grief with tujhse naraaz nahi zindagi, joy with pancchi banoo, nostalgia with najaane kyu or plain madness with junglee - each a beautiful, modest expression in itself. Just makes me feel so relieved and truly relaxed.

Guess it's true for every simple thing we come across. We're so busy trying to make our lives better, that we forget to appreciate the goodness of being natural. I know that sounds cliched but its true all the same. Just stop and think for a moment, that in this mad race where are we all headed, and what is it that we're looking for?

Now playing: Aaj phir jeene ki tamanna hai :)

Tohtally random

Finally, got some time to blog. Even working from home doesn't leave me with too much time. In between, I got so many thoughts that I wanted to write about but somehow couldn't pen down any. And now I remember none! How awful! :(

Well, I'd rather chit chat then, about the latest goings-on in my life.

Celebrated my birthday last Monday (14th Sept.) Gosh, 24 feels old!

Got hubby to join facebook and now he's addicted. Silly me!

Work's hectic. Have taken a work from home editing assignment with HT, that keeps glued to my seat for 5 hours, besides the other content development work. And what's worse, I don't get offs on Id, Dushera, Gandhi Jayanti...yada, yada. Actually, its not so bad, but it pinches me because hubby gets all the long weekends and I don't! Hmph!

Ma Pa completed 40 years of their marriage yesterday. Wow, that does feel like a long time. Wonder if I'll be able to make it so far! :P

Last 2 weeks have been full of going to visit relatives - most of them sick. Gosh, there were like 5 peole who were in hospital. I really hate hospitals, they give me the creeps.

Shopping always lifts my mood. Bought a new saree the other day. It's red, chiffon, and damn sexy!! Can't wait to wear it! :)

Oh, and I got a new phone! Finallyyyyy. Actually its a gift from hubby. Needless to say, I luuuurve it! :D

Rahul Mahajan is doing a Rakhi Sawant - except its a 'swayam-vadhu'. This is just one of those moments when I roll my eyes, give an exasperated sigh and say: ewwwww!

That's about all that happened. Nothing eventful. Will hopefully update soon. ;)

XOXO