Testing times

WHY??! For the love of god, tell me why do we have exams!? i wish life was one great big joyride without any speedbreakers...esp without road blocks like exams where you will bump ur head no matter how hard u press the brakes!
I did crash into an exam today...literally crashed! the examination room looks like a dingy dark dungeon..where i will have to spend 3 hours (tht seem like a decade) filling a sheet while begging my brains to remember wht i flipped thru in the morning! but my brain..like me doesnt retain anything. and i'm blank. so i look around. my friend's writing away to glory...she must knw everything. i look at the question paper again...thinking...8 questions, with a choice of answering any 5...5 huge massive monsters. i cud almost imagine them slithering out of the paper...dancing around my head, grinning n showing off their devilish teeth! Wht a dreadful sight! suddenly i'm snapped out of my reverie with the invigilator glaring at me...i look down at my paper...try and give it another shot. Problems faced by small newspapers...i've read that somewhere. and hey it all comes back...yay! i knw one ques! one monster's down, 4 more to go! n i suddenly feel like a powerpuff girl..."fighting crime trying to save the world"...fogot the rest!
and i finish my paper in time...n slide of the dungeon!
when i got bak..i opened my notebook to chk if wht i'd written was ok. it wasnt.
Oh no...i can see the monsters coming back! i think i'll need to be more than a powepuff girl this time....gulp

Marriage..!

I got an sms from a friend the other day. It went like...there's no difference b/w love marriage and arranged marriage. Its like asking someone if you want to be hanged or commit suicide! I totally agree!
The thing is I'm turning 20 this year. I can hardly believe I've had 20 whole years of existence. Seems like a hell lot of time! And my granny is around these days to visit mum. So you know how elders can be...pretty nagging at times! Especially when they bring up the most hateable topic of all time...marriage. Nani has been incessantly telling me to go in the kitchen and learn to cook! "Saure jaana hai..kuchh sikkh le...saas kad maaregi!" Thnx nani...tht just makes my fear of marriage go up 10 times! She's been telling just about everyone in my family to look for a "munda" for me...and I'm beginning to feel they're all falling for her advice. How can I get married so soon!!? and that to, to my parents' choice!? Ugh! They don't know wht I want..how can they choose a hubby for me! Just the thought of being with ONE man my entire life sends chills down my spine! He'll be there when i wake up, he'll be there when i'll go to sleep, at breakfast, at dinner...god! and whatt if he farts...or burps...or worse, snores!! Aaarggh! No way....nani's nagging has to stop...i don't want my folks' thoughts going in tht direction! I'm just not ready...to die!!

feeling blue

drab day today. very depressing. still try n put up a cheerful face. don't knw how to vent my feelings. feelin hopeless...this seems to be the only way. had an exam today...sleepily went and gave it. met my friends...sure i laughed with them but it was hollow...not from the heart. came back home n found my niece merrily fiddling with my stuff...screamed at her. one way to get my frustration out i thought...but feelin worse. then unwanted guests descended on me. tried to b invisible but courtesy made me do otherwise. then mom told me my brother cried today. my 32 year old married big bro cried like a baby in my nani's arms. tht ws it. jes cant take it anymore. all this pain, this sadness that surrounds me. cant even cry...dont want ppl comin up n givin me a reassuring hug sayin everything will be fine...coz i knw it isnt. i wanna scream...scream at my dad for being so shallow and vain, shout at my bro for givin in to his grief, shout at my bhabhi for not showing what she's really feeling, shout at my niece for not understanding...but jes cant. cant share this with anyone...coz nobody wud understand. they'll all get me wrong. n it'll make everything worse. so i'll just remain silent...n invisible. something i've excelled in with time. god plz...plz make evrything alright.

Trust...?

i always thought it was easy to trust people. so i take everyone at face value. i have had a few jolts in life bt i thought that ws all a misunderstanding. but now as i'm growing older i find so many two faced people around me. in front of my very own eyes i have seen people change sides. someone who i considered a friend turned against me...bt behind my back. i hate backstabbers. why cant people be honest? and they pretend everything's fine bt as soon as u look away they'll stick a knife in ur back. sometimes i wonder if trust even exists today. how can u tell who's ur friend and who's a traitor? will i become a liar myself?